Sitting on the Brink
As a child, I spent many summers at Ma and RiRi’s house with my family. Wide open spaces, hand built go-carts, cows, fishing poles, firecracker wars, and evening showers in the water hose behind the wash house (because we were so dirty!) My memories of these days are deep and precious and many stand out as favorite moments in my life. One in particular I think of tonight.
The barn is built of tin nailed to a wooden frame. The second floor of the barn was once used to store hay for the cows, but on this day it’s empty and serves as a great club house for me and my brother. There are two huge doors on either end and we have one of them open to let the light in. After playing for some stretch of time, we sit in the door looking down at the dirt below. All of a sudden Brian jumps – and as big brothers do – immediately looks at me and dares me to jump too. Put simply, I’m terrified. I obviously can’t let him know since he will tease me mercilessly, but I am not thrilled at all about the prospect of pushing myself off that ledge.
My life today is not too much different than this memory. I feel as though I am sitting on the brink of a huge jump except I don’t really know what I am jumping toward. (At least then I knew I was going to land on the hard earth!) I have worked for 9 years as a teacher and now I sit on the brink of whether to push forward in this career or venture in a new direction. My unhappiness has been building for a couple of years and school closures, reassignments, unmotivated students, and fatigue are making every day harder than the last. Don’t let me sound too negative…there are good days and good kids and good classes - but there seem to be more bad days than good. So I sit on the ledge, dangle my feet and wonder and worry about my upcoming leap. Do I try a lateral movement and attempt to find a position in a new school or a new district? Do I head back into the classroom and try to move ‘up the ladder’ into administration? Or do I really take a leap of faith out into a brand new career?
If I listen to others I will stay in the classroom because ”You’re good at it,” and “The kids need teachers like you.” And I have put a lot of time and effort into my work. I have written curriculums, lead teacher in-services and gone to training. I can work a smartboard and document camera better than I can my DVR and iTunes! On the flip side, I have gained more satisfaction and happiness from planning one sunday school lesson for my church kids than an entire year of planning math lessons at school. I am healthier mentally and physically when I’m not at work. And I can not dream of remaining in a position that instructs teachers to document when students spew profanities and disrespect each other and adults, but do not expect anything to change. This career has somehow become degrading, compromising and just plain sad. I think my questions for myself have become two-fold. First, am I supposed to continue in a career simply because I am good at it and have put in years of hard work; and second, is it selfish to want personal fulfillment from my career? As a teenager, my answer to these would have been simple, but now….things like retirement, benefits, and how to pay for dog treats come into play. I don’t know what will happen, what move I will make; but I know I will jump just as I finally did from that barn window. I have comfort in knowing that in 10 years, this moment won’t seem so scary anymore.
That window in the barn is only about 7 feet off the ground. But to an 8-year-old it felt like a mountain. This brink won’t seem so high once I am brave enough to let go!
That must be a difficult situation. God bless you in your work and I hope you find it or what other direction God leads you fufilling.